Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize