i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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