I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
