I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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