You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
