I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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