The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize