I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
