And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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