I can text with my tongue
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Drake has all the answers
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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