I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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