My brain says no but my pants say off.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
