i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
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