I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
