i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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