god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
it's like iHOP with fire
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
