you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
