Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Someone shattered a urinal.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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