im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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