You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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