Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
