So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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