im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
