no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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