Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
