Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
