george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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