The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
