Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
