Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
