Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize