Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
