Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
