i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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