He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
