my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
