had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
