Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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