she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
