I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
