I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Randomize
