she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
