I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
