i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I smell like Dick and happiness
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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