I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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