I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
