I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
