I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
