im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
