I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please, let me fuck your mom
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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