Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
