i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
