i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
