remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
