I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize