Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I need to sanitize my soul.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
