this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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