is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
