I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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