He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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