Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
